Fun Stuff....
Some Fun Stuff...
Difference between men and women when getting cash from an ATM
Men
- Drive to the bank, park, go to the cash dispenser
- Insert card
- Dial code and desired amount
- Take the cash, the card and the slip
Women
- Drive to the bank
- Engine stalled
- Check make-up in the mirror
- Apply perfume
- Manually check haircut
- Park the car - failure
- Park the car - failure
- Park the car - success
- Search for the card in the handbag
- Insert card, rejected by the machine
- Throw phonecard back in handbag
- Look for bank card
- Insert card
- Look for the chit (where secret code written) in handbag
- Enter code
- Study instructions for 2 minutes
- #Cancel#
- Re-enter code
- #Cancel#
- Call Boyfriend/husband to get correct code
- Enter huge amount
- #Error#
- Enter large amount
- #Error#
- Enter smaller amount
- Cross fingers
- Take cash
- Go back to the car
- Check make up in rear mirror
- Look for keys in handbag
- Start car
- Drive 50 meters
- STOP
- Drive back to bank machine
- Get out of the car
- Take card and ticket back from machine
- Go back to the car
- Throw card on passenger seat
- Throw slip on the floor
- Check make up in rear mirror
- Manually check haircut
- Go into roundabout - wrong way
- BRAKE!!
- Go into roundabout - right way
- Drive 5 kilometers
- Remove hand brake
- Stop at mall
- Spend money
- Go back to step 1
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Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a hairdryer : Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of sweets:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap. (And that would be how?)
On some frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On a dessert: Do not turn upside down.
*printed on bottom of the box* (Too late! You lose!)
On a Pudding packet:
Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure? Let's experiment. )
On packaging for an iron:Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?) (Whose body?)
On Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On a sleep medicine:
Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children. (Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or
outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space? Or underground?)
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On peanuts packet: Warning: contains nuts.
(Not to mention the nut who wrote the warning )
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open
packet, eat nuts.
(DDDUUUHHH)
On a childs superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)
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Tips for
W o r k i n g Hard
People with documents in their hands look like hardworking employees heading for important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're heading for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're heading for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you do.
Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, calculate your finances and generally have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. When you get caught by your boss -and you *will* get caught - your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training expenses.
Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.
Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing – they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. If your voice mailbox has a limit on the number of messages it can hold, make sure you reach that limit frequently. One way to do that is to never erase any incoming messages. If that takes too long, send yourself a few messages. Your callers will hear a recorded message that says, "Sorry, this mailbox is full" - a sure sign that you are a hardworking employee in high demand. 5. Looking Impatient and Annoyed. One should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give your bosses the impression that you are always busy.
Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read, but have no time until late before leaving.
Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are very hard pressed.
It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor etc... You can always borrow from library. Thick computer manuals are the best.
Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use it freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember: They don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.
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C H I N E S E
HUMOR
| That's not right Are you harboring a fugitive? See me A.S.A.P. Stupid Man Small Horse Did you go to the beach? I bumped into a coffee table. I think you need a face-lift. It's very dark in here. I thought you were on a diet. This is a tow away zone. Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena? You are not very bright. I got this for free. Please stay a while longer. Our meeting was scheduled for next week. They have arrived. Stay out of sight. He's cleaning his automobile. Your body odor is offensive. | Sum Ting Wong Hu Ya Hai Ding? Kum Hai Nao Dum Gai Tai Ni Po Ni Wai Yu So Tan? Ai Bang Mai Ni Chin Tu Fat Wai So Dim? Wai Yu Mun Ching? No Pah King Wai Yu Sing Dum? Yu So Dum Ai No Pei Wai Go Nao? Wai Yu Kum Nao? Hia Dei Kum Lei Lo Wa Shing Ka Yu Stin Ki Pu |
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U S E L E S S
INVENTIONS
MADE BY MAN & WOMEN
| 1. Non stick Cellotape - it exists !!!!! 2. Solar Powered Flash Light 3. A black highlighter pen 4. Glow in the dark sunglasses 5. Inflatable Anchor 6. Smooth Sandpaper 7. Waterproof sponge 8. Waterproof Teabags 9. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators 10. Fireproof Matches 11. Fireproof Cigarettes 12. Battery powered Battery Charger 13. Seatbelts for Motorbikes 14. Hand powered Chainsaw 15. Inflatable Dartboard 16. Silent Alarm Clock 17. A Pedal powered wheelchair 18. Braille Drivers Manual 19. Double sided playing cards 20. Ejector seats for Helicopters and these too......?
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" Duh......I could do butter THAN THESE INVENTIONS ! "  |
WEIRD !!!!!
The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the English language.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump."
If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.
The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want.
TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one row of the keyboard.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction
The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left.
A snail can sleep for 3 years.
China has more English speakers than the United States.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 other million people in the world.
The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Feb 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
The strongest muscle in the body is the TONGUE.
It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
Polar bears are left-handed.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
Butterflies taste with their feet. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Starfish haven't got brains.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language is
"screeched."
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
Almonds are members of the peach family.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "- dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time
displayed on a watch is 10:10.
A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N and O-Z, hence "Oz."
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
